my attempt at a job interview
And the JOB search continues….
“Adelina, just apply. The website looks fantastic and I am applying. What if we BOTH get jobs? It would be very cool. It is an advertising firm; you like stuff like that just apply. Please?”
This was my friend Amanda. Amanda, unlike me is recently out of college, with her hard earned English degree. I have been out for the past two years and while she still is feeling giddy and full of opportunities, I unfortunately do not feel the same way at all. I got my English degree and what it got me was a big fat goose egg of nothingness.
I applied. I called. I tried. And then I just did what my college friend Jamie and I used to joke about, I got a job at a Wal-Mart owned company. Which actually worked out for me because I got benefits and stocks and Jamie, she became a waitress. Because as they say in Avenue Q, “What do you do with a B.A. in English?”
Amanda with her enthusiasm to get a real job had an interview at this place three days before mine. I texted her about it the day after and all that was said was, “Well it was interesting. I don’t think I’m going to take it. But don’t let me talk you out of it.”
This should have been my first clue as to stay the F away from the place but I just didn’t take the hint. And knowing Amanda she was still waiting out for the big exciting job that all college professors tell you about. “It’s out there guys! Just study hard do well in school and you will find your dream job with little to no effort.” Lies. All fat lies.
I was already going to be in Pittsburgh so why not just go and see what this company had to offer me. I got the interview which was a first for me, I dressed to impress and I found the building.
The building was adjacent to a garage. Not a parking garage but literally an AUTO REPAIR garage. When I parked I was just thinking to myself, unbelievable totally unbelievable. But then again this is just my luck. I seem to get myself into sticky situations some how.
I walk in and I sit down. Now I have clothes, lots and lots of clothes. I was wearing a really nice outfit because I like to look nice first of all and it’s an interview right? So why wouldn’t someone who wants a job try and look good.
Apparently I was the only one with this idea. The lady next to me was wearing a suit but not a suit that says, “Business Woman.” She was wearing a WHITE JEAN SUIT. A white jean jacket and matching pants. I don’t think that I can stress this enough….A FREAKING WHITE JEAN JACKET AND WHITE JEAN PANTS. To a job interview.
To a job interview you, out of all the other clothes in your closet picked the white jean jacket and matching pants? Who says to them self in the morning, “Yes, this is it! This is the outfit that I WILL be hired in! Today will be a good day once I put this jean jacket and pant suit on. I am sophisticated and classy. They will hire me. They will.”
I couldn’t believe this at all. I didn’t get how I haven’t had job interviews but white jean outfit lady did. Oh and the flip-flops just completed her outfit. Did I forget to mention that already?
So I was feeling pretty good about my chances about this job. If I didn’t get hired and jean lady did I would probably buy a gun and shoot someone.
My interview lasted five minutes. I was in and out of there in five minutes. I took more time dressing myself for the interview than it did for them to tell me to come back next week for an all day shadow. Once again I had to be in Pittsburgh because of this wedding I was in so I said, “why not.”
I should have taken the warning by the jean lady being there. I should have said, “No!” ran to my car and drove far, far away as fast as I could. But I’m an idiot.
My instructions for the next week: Wear comfortable shoes. Dress casual but nice.
Fast-forward one week. I have had the worst week of my life. It is like I had a shit cake handed to me. And after this second interview it was like I had the flowers applied to my shit cake.
I get to the place. I have to sign a waiver that says any money that is made today I really don’t have a right to. This confused me for a bit considering I thought we were just going to meet people for advertising information. But after my week I just signed over the paper and waited.
“Hey, Adelina! It is so nice to see you back! What a nice dress you are wearing. And you are wearing nice shoes too! You didn’t forget. You are going to have a fantastic day. You are going to be with Roy today. Roy is the best and you will learn a lot! This is a great day, go out there and have fun!! Learn a lot!!”
I swear to God if I heard one more exclamation point in a sentence I was going to flip out. It was just too fake and happy for me. I wore my pretty dress, my flat shoes, but really the good attitude just wasn’t there at all. It will be a great day I’m sure.
This is the manager that is training me? This guy is the one that is going to show me the world of advertising and get me started in my new job and lifestyle? He looks like a clown. Actually he looks like he is a drug user. He is so twitchy….oh God. Coke he is on coke. I am going to get raped by a coke addict and I really will NEVER get a real job.
All of this stuff I was thinking but it didn’t process long enough to really get through my head to do something like, DO NOT GET INTO THE CAR WITH ROY. So we get into the car.
“Yeah it’s kinda dirty. Sorry. Didn’t think I would have a lovely lady next to me all day or I would have cleaned up.” Ew, creepy already. “Are you ready for a FULL day of work? We are going to be out there getting in touch with the real people. It should be fun.”
Now key words to listen for on a job interview the next time around.
- Full day of work
- Out there with the people
- Fun
IF YOU HEAR THESE THINGS RUN. Because what it really means is this.
- Full day of work in the sun without being paid, not in any form of air-conditioning
- Alone
- Torture
Roy and I drove on. This is when the fun really started. When you are stuck in a car with a person it is only nice to try to talk to them. Try to get to know them. Try to make them feel comfortable. Because being a woman, getting into a car with a strange man, could be unnerving. But good old Roy really tried to make it better for me.
Roy turned to me and asked, “Do you smoke?”
“No, cigarettes aren’t really my thing.”
“No I mean, do you SMOKE?”
Pause for about thirty seconds while I get this through my head. Oh my god he is asking me if I smoke the pot. THE WEED. The Mary-Jane. THE MARJUANTA. This is a job interview?
I think the look of shock and confusion got Roy a little confused himself.
“Its ok if you do. I don’t really care. It won’t make a difference on you getting hired or not.”
….Oh goodie. I am going to get raped today. My mother is going to have to find me hacked to little pieces just because I wanted more than where I work. Stupid, stupid me for going to college for four years and expecting more.
“No, I don’t smoke pot. But thank you for asking. Never did it nor do I feel the need to try.”
“Never EVER tried it? Damn girl. That’s awesome. Not many people can say that. Me, I used to deal a lot. I grew up in the projects and it was a way to get by. Drugs can help out paying the bills.”
My mouth had to be gaping open by this time. Are you serious? Are you freaking serious? Oh my God. Try to change the subject “Where are we going today? What company are we doing this advertising for?” By this time we have been on the road for about half and hour. I just thought that maybe before we got there in the next little bit I should have a bit of an idea of what I am doing.
“Well we have another hour or so to drive. We are going around the Cal University area. We are setting up at a gas station and showing people our product.”
“Wait…what? We are setting up at a gas station? Showing what product? I thought we were doing advertising work today, meeting people, forming connections.”
“Yeah we are, at the gas station. We are doing direct advertising, getting in touch with our fellow men. Going out and showing them the product. We are advertising a car wash in a can. It is really cool and we will be cleaning people’s rims and cars and windows. It cleans in a can! Without water!!”
“At the gas station. Outside in ninety degree heat. While I’m wearing a dress. All day. And you want me to clean people’s cars. In a dress.”
“A full day of fun just like promised.” He smiled after he said that last sentence. He smiled at the idea that I was in hell. I was in a hell of my own making. Forget that I just caught my boyfriend of over a year with another girl. Forget that I was in Pittsburgh and if I did want to get away I HAD NO IDEA where I was. Forget that I was in a dress and expected to be outside all day. I WANTED TO FIND AMANDA AND KILL HER. That was my main purpose in life. My main goal in life as of this second is to live in order to kill Amanda.
Roy turned onto the turnpike to take us to our destination. While waiting to go through the toll booth he turns to me and asks, “do you have money for the toll?”
No, I do not have money for the toll you little troll. I want to bash your head in with a baseball bat and run away from you as fast as I can. Instead I just said, “No, seems like I left all my stuff in my car.”
The day continued on just as it started, horrible. It was hot. I was sweaty. I hate being outside for longer than four hours. I tried to make do and I actually sold a lot of the product. But then again think of it this way. I am a girl, who is fairly attractive, in a dress at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, bending over, IN MY DRESS to clean the rims of people’s (mostly males) cars. How am I, or any woman in my situation, not going to make money? What I was doing was prostituting myself out in order to make my day pass quicker. I was in fact—doing rim jobs for cash.
The bank across the street mocked me. Each minute the banner would roll by and each minute at the end the time would change. ONLY BY ONE MINUTE. It really started to piss me off. Halfway through the day I had to ask, “Roy, are we going to be eating or stopping for lunch any time soon?”
“Oh yeah sure. Don’t worry lunch will be on the company. You don’t have to worry about anything today, today we are taking care of you.”
You didn’t have money for the toll and had to look through your change on the floor of your car but you have money for lunch? I wonder if I can get a drink a big old drink. A three olive drink…. Yummy. I get into the car and I had to ask, “Where are we going for lunch?”
“There is a McDonald’s down the street. I was thinking we could go there.”
Perfect.
Lunch the only break of the ENTIRE day was eighteen minutes long. Eighteen minutes short is what I should say. I was so confused as to why he only wanted to take that long of a break, why I even applied to this job, why he didn’t take any other breaks, and if the state allowed employees not to have regular breaks.
“So Adelina. I just wanted to say how well you are doing today. You are really good at this. I wanted to also put something else out there. I wanted to know that if you don’t get this job, and I don’t see how you can’t, I think that we should still maybe hangout. I want to get to know you. Maybe take you out on a date. But I can’t go to the bars because I’m still only nineteen.”
Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha! Oh I should be video taping this. Am I on candid camera? This has to be a joke.
“Oh who is that little boy on your phone?”
“My nephew.”
“Well if we are doing a little show and tell,” he opened up his wallet to show me a picture of what looked like a four year old girl.
“Your niece?”
“My daughter. She will be four next month.” Four? Nineteen minus four is…? Sixteen? FIFTEEN?? FIFTEEN?!!! Oh sweet Jesus. “Yeah I don’t get to see her as much as I would like. I don’t get along with her mother. And I work all the time. I just don’t really see her other than once a month or so.” Oh good GOD. “But I am making a lot of money with this job so hopefully I’ll get to see her more soon when I have more put away.”
“Do you invest?”
“Well actually, I can’t have a bank account or anything like that until I am twenty-one.” WHAT?!?!?!?!? “Yeah I had something like five thousand dollars in back child support. So I can’t officially have an account until I reach twenty-one. I just keep all my money in a shoe box under the bed.” There has to be a camera around here somewhere. There just has to be. Stuff like this doesn’t happen to people!! It actually shouldn’t happen to people.
“Oh….wow…. well…”
“But I am a good dad.”
I bet you are Roy. I bet you are.
